Some lessons keep cropping up in my life, challenging me over and over again. Learning to let go is one of them. It sounds Zen, doesn’t it? Like if you just took a couple of deep breaths while sitting cross-legged on a beach somewhere, all of your frustrations would just melt away. But we know life doesn’t work that way. Letting go is f***ing hard, and most of us have to learn that the hard way. We want it to feel graceful, but usually it’s messy and inconvenient.

I know this because I’ve tried the Zen approach. I’ve done a lot of different things to assist me in the process of letting go – Reiki, meditation, yoga, psychic healing sessions, religion, and visualization. I even attended an “energy” class where we all waved our hands around and imagined the negative energy leaving our bodies. While these techniques worked for a while, eventually something would happen and my old habits would kick in again.

I dated a man I was absolutely smitten over, who hurt me terribly when he cheated on me and then broke things off, leaving me with no explanation and no closure. I was devastated, hurt and angry. I wanted him to see what he’d done and acknowledge how much he hurt me. But I was still alone with my anger, and when I tried dating again, I was suspicious of every man I met. Would they cheat too? Would they hurt me, too? That kind of hurt makes you brace for impact before anyone even gets close.

Of course there is that risk of getting hurt again. It never goes away. But what I didn’t realize was that my ex and his cheating ways weren’t holding me back. I was holding myself back from finding a good relationship, because I wasn’t yet willing to let go. When I realized this, my life changed. I couldn’t change any other person, but I could change my own reactions and perspective. It’s still not easy, but now I know it’s up to me to let go.